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Let’s Talk About Poop

In my life, poop has always seemed to be involved. Whether it be my poop, dog poop, red poop, or blue poop. I have dealt with it all. Just ask Michelle, there is nothing I like more than a good “sit down”, as my dad puts it. That is my time to reflect and relax. Having dogs essentially my entire life, in one way or another, I have had to pick up their poop when taking them for walks…and people saw them drop the deuce. I worked as a janitor throughout high school and parts of college, cleaning office buildings and retirement homes. Scrubbing toilets, and what goes into them, was a daily occurrence. You would be surprised the joys you found in an office bathroom. A bathroom in an old folks home, well, to put it mildly, looks like the apocalypse.

However, I have never been so obsessed, so concerned, about poop than I am with Ava’s own personal brownie batter. Is she pooping often enough? Are they the right color? The right smell? The right consistency? I have become, along with Michelle, a connoisseur of cuck. A professor of poo. An expert of excrement.

This is a very important subject. So important in fact that every doctor visit we get the question, “How has she been pooping?”. You need to keep up on it.

Other than health reasons, keeping tabs on her toots is important because they can be disasters. When Ava poops, it can be like an unmanned fire hose. Large volumes of liquified poo spraying everywhere, rapidly. At this point in her developement, Ava does not poop as often as when she was first-born. Now she poops once every day, or every other day. So when she goes, it’s like the levies breaking. Baby poop has a mind of its own. It finds ways out of the diaper. It’s very sneaky. It also stains.

When Ava poops, especially when we are out in public, it is a race to change her. I will run through a crowded restaurant, with Ava held above my head, yelling, “Move out-of-the-way people, I have a dirty diaper. This is an emergency! Unless you want some special gravy on your fries, I suggest you make way.” If an old man is about to enter the bathroom when I need to change her poopy diaper, I am fully prepared to drop kick his ass and break his hip so he can’t get up and beat me to the bathroom.

How I know Ava is for sure my kid is when she poops.  She gets a very satisfied look on her face that is followed by a little grin. That’s my little girl.


About mikevi29

I was just a guy, now I am going to be a dad. *gulp*

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