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Ava Dropped Her First F Bomb

peter-billingsley-soapOops! My bad. This one’s on me.

It happened. It was bound to happen sooner or later. It’s just that sooner came too soon. With about two weeks to go until her 2nd birthday, Ava dropped an F-bomb after hearing me drop one.

I can only blame myself. No excuses. However, in my defense, it was only out of frustration that it slipped out. By “slipped out” I mean I screamed it pretty loud. I can’t even remember what it was that I was doing, but it wasn’t going smoothly and I was annoyed…and tired…and emotional…and it was just a combination of things and that thing I was doing was just the final straw type thing…and the Pirates lost the day before…and I was just feeling blah. No excuses though, but, you know, I was pretty tired and just, you know, life’s just a real pain in the ass, sum-ma-bitch sometimes. No excuses though.

It was a hard “fuck” too. One of my better ones. It was more like, “FUUUUUUCK!!!”.  I really hit the ‘K’ part nicely as well, with real emphasis. Really brought it home with that hard ‘K’. It was the cherry on top of the cuss. Really showed I meant it.

Admittedly, I do swear a lot. The problem is I don’t do it for vulgarity’s sake. I do it for emphasis. To really drive my point home. It’s just that I seem to be driving a lot of points home every other sentence.  I’m pretty good at swearing. It’s more of an art when I do it. I use different combinations that can really cut to the core of a subject. It can get real creative. Make a sentence stand-out and be fun. Make my point memorable.

For example, when someone is really annoying me or putting me in a tough spot, I don’t say, “So and so is really getting on my nerves.” Instead I will say, “So and so is really putting my fucking balls through the wood chipper.” See? Isn’t that fun to hear?

So, moments after I dropped the F-bomb that shook the walls, Ava throws her hands in the air and shouts “fuck”. Granted, it was the cutest “fuck” ever uttered. It was delicate and gentle. I don’t even think she put the ‘K’ on there, it was just a little baby “fuc”. Very cute. It was like the fresh offspring of my papa bear “FUUUUUUCK!” So tiny. So delicate. So much potential. It was so non-threatening that a “damn” or a “heck” could beat it up.

The moment it came out of her mouth I thought, ‘Well there’s a piece of innocence she’ll never get back.” Michelle and I looked at each other, thinking the same thought…”Did she just say what I think she said?”

Vinny’s eyed widened a bit as it happened.  Even he knew I hit a parenting low. He just laid there, drooling as he secretly judged me. Questioning the father his mother chose for him. If he could talk I imaged him adding, “Well there goes the ‘Father-of-the-Year’ award. Job well done with that. Can’t wait to see what you have in store for me.”

Michelle and I handled it the best way possible. No reaction. No correction. Just act like it didn’t happen. If we gave a reaction or corrected her?  Game over.  At that point Ava would know she can egg us on by saying it, and it becomes a fun game for her to play…over and over and over. I just immediately switched gears and drew her attention to something else, hopefully making her forget what just happened and what she said.

It seems to of worked. She has yet to say it again. I learned the hard way that Ava has reached the parrot stage of childhood, where she will repeat anything and everything.

I have been really watching my P’s and Q’s now, but mostly my “fucks”. If I feel I really need to swear, I will employ the Bernie Meyer favorite, “Mother Huncher”. I will also use “Cheese and Rice”, “Cotten-headed Ninny Muggins”, “Sugar Sticks”, “Dab-nabbit”, “Son of a Biscuit”, “Jesus H. Son-of-Mary”, “Sweet Fancy Moses” and if I’m feeling a little worldly I might just break out a “Bloody.”

I just can’t wait when she is 16 and she says a nice combination of cuss words. I will no doubt give the typical, “Hey, where did you learn to talk like that?” And we will both sit there staring at each other, with my hypocrisy just laying out there, both knowing damn, errrr, darn well where she learned it from.


About mikevi29

I was just a guy, now I am going to be a dad. *gulp*

One response to “Ava Dropped Her First F Bomb

  1. Nicole Maxwell ⋅

    Laughing so hard… Love the shout out to the huncher himself. This was a good one!

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