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Hello Strangers Please Excuse the Screaming in the Background

now-panic-cause-i-m-back-9It’s been about a year and a half since my last post. I know…I’m the worst blogger in history. So many of you expressed how much you like reading what I do here and I rewarded those kind words by doing nothing. There are plenty of excuses, but at the top of the list is exhaustion. When I had time to myself, the decision came down to crashing on the couch or writing a blog entry. I chose the couch…over, and over, and over, and over again.

But I really do love writing and it is something I wanted to get back to, so here I am.

It’s been so long I don’t even know where to start. Ava is 3 1/2 years old and Vinny will be 2 this April. Lot of things have happened in the time since we last caught up: Trips, boo-boos, potty training, first this or first that, holidays, activities, and so on.

Over that time, however, one thing sticks out the most and that’s how my sweet, angelic, 1 1/2 and 3 1/2 year old children get along. I wish watching them interact was like watching a Hallmark movie. That on the very odd occasion when they didn’t get along, they would quickly hug and make-up while soft, Full House-esque music played in the air.

But that’s not reality. I’m not going to to be that parent. You know the one…the one you hate of Facebook. The one that posts nothing but pictures of her kids hugging and playing nice with captions that say, “Love is all we need” or some other shit that makes you want to puke all over your iPad.

They are all liars. Nobody’s kids are that perfect, and if they are then they’re weirdos. These are the types of people where you make sure to “hide” their posts from your timeline. What a great feature the ‘hide’ button is. That way you don’t have to de-friend them and then deal with having that inevitable, awkward conversation as you run into them coming out of some yogurt shop and you just know all they are thinking about, as they talk to you about the three birthday parties they have to go to tomorrow, is how much they despise you for de-friending them. It’s a bit of a catch-22. If you never hid their posts in the first place, you would have known to stay away from that area all together because of the dozen or so images they posted on Facebook about what a “chocolate coated, sprinkle covered sweet time” they just had.

No. That’s not my kids. My kids are the type of kids where if I get an important call at home, I need to literally leave the house so they are not heard screaming in the background.

It’s not that my kids hate each other, or that they are bad kids, or anything else like that. In reality, my kids are damn good kids. They hug and kiss each other. They play and dance together. All that good stuff. The problem is just that they are kids. Does that makes sense? It’s like dealing with two cavemen sometimes. All their yelling and bickering comes down to the usual “That’s mine”, “He bit me”, or “Mom’s not looking so I’ll push him off the couch and it will be funny” type stuff.

The problem is that we as parents try to use a rational, win-win explanation when dealing with these situations, and the kids are still very in touch with their animal brain and are just like, “…but that’s my Little Pony and he touched it, so I made him regret that decision.”

It’s all very territorial. Outside of the house, Ava will be perfect with Vinny. They don’t see what they are playing with as his or hers, so they just play with whatever they find. Outside of the house, Ava will demolish and crush the soul of any other kid who even comes close to doing anything bad to Vinny. Outside the house, they stick close together and watch out for each other.

jurassicpark-gateInside the house is different. Passing through our door is like passing through those big gates of Jurassic Park. It’s always calm at first, but it’s only a matter of time until the screaming starts.

Inside the house, they know exactly what is “theirs”, where it is at, and how many of it they have. If the other touches “it”, looks at “it”, takes a piece of “it”, or goes near “it”, that’s when Michelle and I get the SWAT gear on. It’s like the house is a giant game of Risk. They each have their own territories (their rooms, where they put their toys, etc.) and they then test the boarders of the other’s territory to see if they can successfully invaded and conquer. Predictably war breaks out and Michelle and I are stuck being the U.N., saying things like, “Why are you guys going to war over this? There is a simple, peaceful outcome.”

We do the time-outs and explain how to share and all that. And it is getting better as they get older. It makes you a bit conflicted because there is such a fine line. You want them to learn to share and play nice, however, boundaries need to be set and they need to know that it isn’t OK to just take anything you want at any time.

It really is one of the more shitty parts of parenting. The really bad part is that when I see or hear about other people’s kids doing the same stuff, it really makes me happy. At least mt kids aren’t some psychotic oddballs.

Ok. That’s it for now. Talk to you later…I promise.

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About mikevi29

I was just a guy, now I am going to be a dad. *gulp*

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